I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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