all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I can't trust your balls anymore.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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