did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
