chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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