You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
