I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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