Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize