my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
