o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
