we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
