i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
