Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize