apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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