you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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