I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There are leaves in my underwear?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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