we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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