matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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