i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize