i already hear my dad disowning me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
