I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
