I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
