even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
