Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
