He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
