I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
