Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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