so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
