So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
