Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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