I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
