It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
