I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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