I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
