You did not just play the dead husband card again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
