fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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