Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize