I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
