dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
