Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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