Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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