to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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