So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
