Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
