Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
