I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
