made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Randomize
