i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
