I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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