I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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