There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
