laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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