She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
