A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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