hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize