I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
