im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
