If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
