Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
