I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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