OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
