A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
