i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
