There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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