Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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