The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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