she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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