i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i think we sleep fucked last night...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
