Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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