Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
