She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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