My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
