I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
